Joke from Ry-Ry

I got a joke from Ry-Ry via email last week and I thought it was hilarious. I do not pass things like this on very often and I had no idea who to email it to so I decided that I would just post it here. I think that last sentence was a run-on, it seemed to go on and on without commas or anything. Here is the joke:

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.' The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.' Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness.

He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands. 'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it.'

Comments on The Gaff

Today I had the pleasure of two comments on my blog. I have no idea who these people are and I wish I knew who these people were. I would like to give them a pat on the back for the comments (I don't get many comments). Here are what my new friends had to say about my Jim Gaffigan post:

krista said...
JIM OR AS YOU CALL HIM 'THE GAFF' IS MY FAVE AS WELL! KING BABY HAS EVERYTHING TO MAKE YOU LOVE HIM & BACON EVEN MORE THEN BEFORE! SIMPLY PUT ...HILARIOUS!

Barry said...
I am in heaven right now. I just got the CD from iTunes and am thrilled b/c it has 30 minutes of stand-up not seen on the Comedy Central special last Sunday.
Thank you so much for posting the previews!!

Krista and Barry, stick around this blog loves The Gaff and hopefully more will be coming soon!

DirecTV App on my iPod **Update**

Both shows I set to record from my iPod worked without a hitch. It was awesome. The light came on the bedroom DVR right at 11:30 to record Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives on The Food Channel (which is one of my favorite TV shows right now). I checked the downstairs DVR and that recording worked as well. Awesome.

I recommend downloading the DirecTV app and getting it on your iPhone/iPod now!

New Jim Gaffigan

Ohhhhhh yeahhhhhhhh!!!!

New Jim Gaffigan last night on Comedy Central. Hilarious! There are some great bits on camping, fast food, ketchup, bacon and more! The DVD and CD come out tomorrow. Go to your local store and supprt the Gaff (that is what I am calling Jim these days). Here are some previews!

San Diego Hilton Bayfront

While in San Diego we stayed at the Hilton Bayfront, a new hotel in San Diego and the same hotel my work will have our conference at later this year. This is a beautiful hotel and is very nice. We had a great time on the 18th floor. A great view where we could see the ocean and downtown San Diego. Here are the pictures:

San Diego

We went to San Diego a couple weekends ago. Sorry the pictures are late, I have had a busy week. As you will see from the pictures we had a lot of good fun. We did:

• Sea World
• San Diego Temple
• Cabrillo Lighthouse
• SeaPort Village
• The Fish Market
• Embarcadero
• Jamba Juice
• Joe's Crab Shack
• Subway

Check out the pictures!

DirecTV App on My iPod!

If you have DirecTV and an iPod Touch/iPhone you need this app!

I have downloaded the application and I have set shows to record on my two DVR's. The app works great, the shows are easy to find via search or by channel. Very, very, easy to use. I will let you know how the recordings go tonight.

See the DirecTV app on iTunes here: http://itunes.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewSoftware?id=307386350&mt=8

Get more info on Gizmodo here: http://i.gizmodo.com/5191098/directvs-iphone-app-browses-searches-and-sets-recordings

See info on the DirecTV website here: http://www.directv.com/DTVAPP/global/article.jsp?assetId=P5590048

Chloe's Bday Party

On Saturday Chloe had her birthday party. She had a lot of fun. She has wanted to go ice skating forever. She planned an ice skating party. We went to the Olympic Oval for a fun time. We started with chicken fingers and fries and then moved on to ice cream sandwiches and lemon bars while Chloe opened presents. Then it was time to get on the ice. We went and got skates and laced everyone up. Everyone got out on the ice for at least a little while. Some of the kids liked it more than others. I hope all of the kids had a good time.

Here are some pictures on the fun:

More Bday Party Pics

Jordan and School

Here is a perfect example of the problems we have with Jordan and school:

Last night the entire family was helping Jordan with his Chinese homework (that was already a week late). There was three sentences we had to listen to, translate and then answer in Chinese. Chloe was being a big help and we even called one of Chloe's friends that had done the assignment. While we were working all of a sudden Jordan asks, "Where is my pencil?" we all start looking for it. Now remember, Jordan never got up or went any where, he was just sitting the entire time. No one can find it. The entire family is looking for it. Under papers, in folders, on the floor, everywhere! It is gone.

Typical.

Jordan and school just do not mesh.

Chloe is 12!

Chloe turned 12 on Sunday. I can barely believe it was 12 years ago that she was born under 4 pounds and a "tall" 18 inches. She was so tiny. Now, she is a young women. I hadn't really noticed until she walked upstairs Sunday morning in her pajamas. It just hit me that she is going through a growth spurt and just looked so much older. Maybe it was her haircut from Saturday. Chloe is growing up.

It has been a good year for Chloe. She has done some fun stuff (Disneyland and Sacramento), she has been great at school (straight A's) and she completed all the requirements for her Faith in God award (which she got on Sunday). Chloe is super-excited to start attending Young Womens.

I am so proud of her. Here are some pictures of the quick-growing Chloe:

Freezer Meals

Diana got us in a freezer meals club a couple months ago. I thought she was crazy, and the first time we made meals it was a five-hour process. I was saying we would be in this month and then out. We made a ravioli casserole that was delicious. In return we got all pizza soup, taco soup, and a bunch of other yummy meals.

Last month we made corkscrew chicken and we heard from everyone how good it was. The only meal we have had from last month was a yummy chicken crock pot dinner. We made rice and covered the rice with the chicken stuff. It was very good. We have other meals still in the freezer to eat and I am sure we will get to them soon.

For this month we have gone crazy and made BFD (Breakfast for Dinner). It is Diana's world famous breakfast casserole. It is so good. I love it. It is pretty easy to make it also. It still takes hours when you are making six of them. This recipe consists of hash browns, sausage, eggs and cheese.

I always go to Costco to get our supplies for these meals. Today I bought 4 packs of 24-pack eggs, 2 2-pound cheeses, 2 3-pound sausages and 9 pounds of hash browns. We used almost all of it (we have some eggs left). The best part of the freezer meals is the fun time me and Diana get to have as we make the meals and spend a couple hours in the kitchen hanging out and talking and cooking. It is fun.

Locking Up

On Monday I was assigned to go lock up the church. This is an easy job where you just make sure that all the kids are out and no windows have been propped open for kids to sneak back in. We also have to turn out lights and all those kind of things. I was not expecting much to happen, five, ten minutes top.

I met the other guy (there has to be two men in case of any problems) and we went around and made sure everything was good. As we went around the back Scott asked me, "Is that your car there?" I said no and he said that we would have to go ask them to leave or see if they need help or what.

We finish up the inside and head out to the car. As we are walking up to the car I see two little feet sticking up in the air.....

I will let you finish the story, I am sure you know it.

Another Great Sign

I went to Costco today for lunch. It was good. A nice combo slice and a lemonade. I really like it. I have been to Costco like 6 of the past 7 Fridays for my little treat, and no I am not addicted, I could stop anytime. After I did my window shopping at the Costco (no actual windows, I just walked around) I get ready to leave and here is the sign I saw:

Now, this sing could have been up for months, or it could be brand new, all I know is that today is the first day I noticed it and how funny it was. This sign is telling me that if I invest with Costco and CapitalOne I will have so much money I will be able to use 50 and 100 dollar bills as my mouse pad. The question I have is, "How much money do you have to have to use actual bills as a mouse pad?" I don't even want to guess.

Wednesday

I am writing about Wednesday on Thursday. I was out late playing basketball. It was a good time. We actually had 10 guys so we were able to kick the younger kids out and just play. It was fun. 3 hours of ball can really hurt your legs. Mine are aching right now. I just got a charlie horse that was pretty bad. I manned up though and Diana does not even know. I am pretty cool.

Today was a pretty normal day, except for the part where my office was shaking and loud noises were happening. I should tell you that today was a very windy day. Very, very windy. There have been these huge metal things out in front of the building. I have no idea what they are, but they are big and look heavy.

I guess they are not heavy enough because the wind picked one of them up and threw it through the lobby window of the building. Huge crash, my entire floor was shaking. I had no idea until I heard other people talk about it.

That is about the only thing that happened today. We did have breakfast pizza for dinner. It was good. Another creation by Diana that turned out super yummy.

American Idol

I watched American Idol with Diana tonight. I have not seen a lot of other episodes or really know any of the contestants, but let me just say, this was just about the worst set of singers I have ever heard. This is just not on idol, but some of the worst singers I have ever heard. I really cannot believe that these 12 people made it this far. There was maybe 2 people that even deserved to be in the top36, and I do not think any of them should win. Everyone cheered loud for the blind guy, but he was really not much of a singer. What about the dude from Puerto Rico that couldn't pronounce half the words in the song? That is nuts.

Bottom line: American Idol sucks when people that are not good are the ones singing and tonight American Idol sucked.

Is The Mentalist new tonight? Even a repeat is better than this.

Monday Night Television

Monday is the best night on television by a mile. Diana and I watch like 8 or 9 shows and 4 of them happen on Monday night - half of our TV watching in one night. Here is tonight's recap:

Tonight's Big Bang Theory was only a 2.5 star episode. Funny, but not as funny as usual. The whole Howard and Lesley thing was just stupid filler time. Sheldon and his "spot" was hilarious. Diana and I are getting good at pausing the DVR to see what Chuck Lorre had added to the ending. Usually it is pretty funny.

Tonight's How I Met Your Mother was hilarious (4 stars). The one BIG problem that I had was that Megan Mullaly played the voice of Barney's mom before and she was not in it tonight as his mom. Other than that, this episode was hilarious. It was a little transparent (Ted and the girl kissing, "Tyler" trying to kiss Robin). That did not make it any less funny. The ending with Robin calling Marshall's "mom" - that was hilarious!

Heroes started out well this season, but it is not holding together very well - tonight's episode was 2.5 stars. The people that run the show are trying to slow things down and not have as many characters, but that is one of the things I liked best about the show. Tonight there was divorce and love talk, not stuff that should be on this show. Peter needs to be able to have multiple abilities again. This is really bugging me. Heroes is still one of my favorite shows, but they have some improving to do.

24 is the final show that we watch each Monday and is usually a 4 star show. Tonight's was 3.5, it was a little down from what has been on lately. 24 and Jack Bauer are back this season. 24 has been excellent each and every week. Having Tony back is a huge plot hole, but it works. The season has been fast moving and action packed. Jack is awesome. The show is not wasting time on stupid story lines this year - which is good.