I'm Gonna Go Swipe Those Kids

We are watching some friends kids for the weekend. There has been some great quotes from the little ones. Our friends kids are 10 (boy), 6 (boy), and 2 (girl) and this is a rundown of what they have said:

I was a little dancing M&M.

Interrupting cow, MOOOOOOOO!

I'm Livi-bird. Tweet Tweet! Chicken Nuggets!

My tummy is really happy.

Chloe is my best friend.

I'm a little big bad wolf.

Ring, ring. Hello, Christmas!

(fake laugh)

It was a yucky bear.

We're going to McDonald's, I can see it!

Your my best brother. Can I have a kiss?

There has been many others that I cannot remember right now. It has been a fun couple days.

A Great Sign

Another great sign was found while on the Embarcadero in San Francisco. The sign reads "Do Not Sit On The Historic Stairs." So, it is OK to walk up and down them, just do not stop and sit? What the heck, over?

Yogurt

I was having a cup of yogurt for dinner (Peach flavored if you must know, also, it was Yoplait Light - only 100 calories!, last item, if you are going to buy yogurt you really should just get Yoplait, I don't understand the whole "fruit on the bottom" thing, why do I have to do all the work here?). That was a lot of text inside a parenthesis (spelling? I am typing this on my BlackBerry so I do not have a spell check). Back to the story: I was having a cup of yogurt for dinner and Chloe came in. She asked me if I knew that yogurt was a fungi. I said I sure did and that it is bacteria. I told her that fungi's eat yogurt too. She became confused and I said, "Am I not a fun guy?" Then came the groan and Diana just shook her head. At least I am trying to entertain!

Car and Pet Wash?

I don't know if you get your car and your pet washed at the same time or at different times. This is very intriguing. You don't usually see cars and pets getting washed at the same place. Do they use the same tools. I did not see an area for pets, just the usual car wash stalls.

All I know for sure is that this sign is hilarious!

Joke from Ry-Ry

I got a joke from Ry-Ry via email last week and I thought it was hilarious. I do not pass things like this on very often and I had no idea who to email it to so I decided that I would just post it here. I think that last sentence was a run-on, it seemed to go on and on without commas or anything. Here is the joke:

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.' The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.' Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness.

He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands. 'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it.'

New Jim Gaffigan

Ohhhhhh yeahhhhhhhh!!!!

New Jim Gaffigan last night on Comedy Central. Hilarious! There are some great bits on camping, fast food, ketchup, bacon and more! The DVD and CD come out tomorrow. Go to your local store and supprt the Gaff (that is what I am calling Jim these days). Here are some previews!

Jordan and School

Here is a perfect example of the problems we have with Jordan and school:

Last night the entire family was helping Jordan with his Chinese homework (that was already a week late). There was three sentences we had to listen to, translate and then answer in Chinese. Chloe was being a big help and we even called one of Chloe's friends that had done the assignment. While we were working all of a sudden Jordan asks, "Where is my pencil?" we all start looking for it. Now remember, Jordan never got up or went any where, he was just sitting the entire time. No one can find it. The entire family is looking for it. Under papers, in folders, on the floor, everywhere! It is gone.

Typical.

Jordan and school just do not mesh.

Locking Up

On Monday I was assigned to go lock up the church. This is an easy job where you just make sure that all the kids are out and no windows have been propped open for kids to sneak back in. We also have to turn out lights and all those kind of things. I was not expecting much to happen, five, ten minutes top.

I met the other guy (there has to be two men in case of any problems) and we went around and made sure everything was good. As we went around the back Scott asked me, "Is that your car there?" I said no and he said that we would have to go ask them to leave or see if they need help or what.

We finish up the inside and head out to the car. As we are walking up to the car I see two little feet sticking up in the air.....

I will let you finish the story, I am sure you know it.

Another Great Sign

I went to Costco today for lunch. It was good. A nice combo slice and a lemonade. I really like it. I have been to Costco like 6 of the past 7 Fridays for my little treat, and no I am not addicted, I could stop anytime. After I did my window shopping at the Costco (no actual windows, I just walked around) I get ready to leave and here is the sign I saw:

Now, this sing could have been up for months, or it could be brand new, all I know is that today is the first day I noticed it and how funny it was. This sign is telling me that if I invest with Costco and CapitalOne I will have so much money I will be able to use 50 and 100 dollar bills as my mouse pad. The question I have is, "How much money do you have to have to use actual bills as a mouse pad?" I don't even want to guess.

Who's in the Backyard?

Another great story where the names have been changed to protect the not so innocent.

I was sleeping last night (don't these stories always start this way?). I was awoken (not to crying), but by the person I sleep next to asking questions and being alarmed. This person was making quite a bit of noise. I asked this person who will not be named what was the matter. The reply was, "The guy and Rachel are in the backyard." Now, I don't know anyone named Rachel so I (of course) asked the question, "Who? I don't know a Rachel." The person than answers, "You know, the girl that played Rachel on Friends." You probably know that the person that plays Rachel on Friends is Jeninfer Aniston. I was pretty sure she was not in the backyard, but I ran out just to check.

No, I didn't. I said, "Not again. I can't take this tonight, good night." I quickly fell back to sleep. Once morning came around I talked to this person about the little night time adventure and they had the audacity to deny all of it! I could not believe it.

The Old Standby

Sorry I have not posted lately. Life has been a little hectic around here. I am sure you all know what that feels like. I have not had any time to think about what I could post, so here are some YouTube vidoes of people falling down. You will chuckle - you know it!

At The Costco

I was at Costco last night to get some milk, chocolate milk, pizza, and a churro (and you thought it was impossible to get out of Costco for under $200 - all of this only came to $199, just kidding, only $20). I was waiting near the food court with about 20 other people. There was quite a rush on pizzas and the lady behind the counter was flustered. The other lady there (that was at the register) came over to help and the pizza cutter lady went ballistic on her. Screaming that. "I have those tickets in a certain order," and, "you are going to mess me up!" and more. It must have been humiliating for the register lady. She walked back to her register as someone from the back called up to ask what was going on. The mean lady started yelling again that register lady was messing her up. Register lady now starts to say that she was just trying to help and very quickly mean lady yells at her to "Be quiet, there are customers that can hear you!"

When I view people like this it makes me feel better about the friends and family that I have. I do not think anyone that I freely associate with would do something like this. Let me hear some stories you have about confrontations you have seen or been in that are like this.

To Be A Kid

While we are babysitting I think about all the ways life changes as you grow. When you are a kid you can say whatever you want and people think it is cute or funny. When you grow up it just us not as cute. Here are some things that I heard tonight from the young kids we watched tonight:

"I know you guys love each other."
"Be careful with me, my mom loves me."
"I'm not a rhinocerous."
"I cut off your fat tummy."
"I'm fast too."
"I like myself."
"Diana's angry!"

Let me just say that this kid we watched is one of the cutest kids I have ever seen (removing my own two kids, who are the cutest kids I have ever seen).

Babysitting

Diana and I are watching some friends kids tonight (Chloe is out babysitting). The five-year-old told me the song he made up:

"I am the ice cream man
Running over fat kids
In my big white van
They want ice cream
I will just give them
Some broken bones"

He made this up on his own - I swear! He is in the living room while I am in the kitchen singing it over and over again. Diana loves it and is wiping the tears of laughter off her cheeks.

Is This A Road?

Tonight we went to Robert's to pick out a couple items. It was a rather normal trip to Robert's. Nothing really stood out. We got a deal on some cubes for Diana's office. I was driving on the way home and I decided to drive on the golf course road near our house. As I turn, we are having a nice conversation with the whole family. All of a sudden Diana exclaims, "Is this a road?" A road? What does she mean. Where we were passed the three test of being a road: 1) White lines on the edges. 2) Yellow lines in the middle. 3) Paved. Check, check, and check. It is a road. Me and the kids laughed the rest of the way home.

Anyone Want Some Ice Cream?

PETA is insane! See the link: http://www.wnbc.com/news/17539627/detail.html.

Who wants breast milk ice cream? My friend Brett started a Facebook group titled PETIC (People for the Ethical Treatment of Ice Cream), if you are a Facebook user join the group. We must spread our message of, "Ice cream doesn't need your breast milk to be yummy!"

You Guys Are Funny

Today at work LD and Littlkins gave me crap all day long! They think I am just like the guy below:


The girls think that I spend all day playing with the Blackberry, which is not true. Today while I was in LD's cube Littlkins did this:

She thought she was pretty funny, but I know that she is only funny because she hangs out with me.

Also, today I took the Blackberry off during my service director meeting and then left it off during the company meeting. I did not put it back on for a couple hours. Could an addict do that?

Falling Down

People falling down is funny. People falling down in slow motion is even funnier!

How I Met Your Mother

If you have never seen this show (Monday nights on CBS) you are missing out on the funniest sitcom on television right now. All of the characters are spot on - and they are hilarious! See the recap here.

Last nights episode was about Barney and his rebound bro, and I laughed my head off!

For my next trick

This video is for my wife. So when she checks the blog next she will see some fun stuff.


So the blackberry enterprise server at work has been down. I haven't been getting work email for the past two days. It is a totally different feeling now. I will be away from my computer and when I get back I will have 7 emails and be like - "when the heck did I get these?" I don't like it. I have gotten so used to having my email when I need it. Actually, not when I NEED it, but when I WANT it. And I want it as soon as it is sent to ME! If it is not real-time it is too slow.

Yesterday at work I gave a presentation during the company meeting on collaboration. It was an overview of what I spent the first three months of the year on. Basically, I took SharePoint sites that had multiple lists and built filtered views into the lists. I created things like rolling date filters and status filters. I then took lists from other sites and imported them into the pages to give our service directors a consolidated view of everything that they need to keep track of. After that was done I built automated email reminders for the lists. These reminders have to go to analysts and consultants and when items are past due the reminders need to go to the service director as well. It is pretty amazing stuff (to me). But during the meeting I felt like the person in the meeting that keeps going and going even after everyone has stopped listening. I heard some compliments on the presentation today and now our consulting organization wants me to build something for them that is like the R&A dashboards. We will see. I had a long meeting today with Stu, the VP of Consulting. I am giving myself a week to try and get something built for him, after that week I have to focus on Catalyst, and I think I will be on Catalyst stuff from early May to the end of Catalyst.

A couple last items. If you want to use an RSS feed put the URL http://mattroblyer.blogspot.com/feeds/posts/default?alt=rss into your feed reader or if you use IE7 you can use their RSS reader, I played with it and it worked good for me, just add me as a favorite and you will see when things get updated. We got Juno and something I can't remember from Blockbuster, so be ready for some more reviews coming up. And, "It's All Mac's Fault."